Guest Post: Kristina M Serrano
Diagnosed:
My Autistic Author’s Life
My name is
Kristina, and I’ve always loved books. For as long as I can remember.
Seriously, in my baby book, my mom recorded my first phrase as being “I want
book.” I can’t remember learning how to read because I was always able to, as
far as my memory can go back. And I’ve always loved writing. My first-grade
teacher told me I was going to write books someday. Now, I’ve so far signed
three contracts with the small Canadian publisher Sands Press for my books Slow
Echoes, Gold Silence, and Sole Voices, the first three in the Post Worlds
series, about an Egyptian-goddess descendant who falls in love with a boxer
despite supernatural challenges prying them apart.
But for a
while, writing was very difficult. I’ve only recently started getting back into
the habit again. Severe depression, anxiety, and OCD had been building over
many years until one day I had a panic attack right in the middle of my shift
as a jewelry salesperson that sent me to the emergency room.
I’d never
been to therapy before. For years, I’d been forcing myself to mask all of this,
to smile even if the situation didn’t necessarily call for a smile. If I was
nice to everyone all the time no matter what, they wouldn’t be able to see how
much I was really suffering or how uncomfortable I felt just standing beside of
someone, not to mention having to actually talk to them.
But after
this breakdown, I finally began the long and difficult process of seeking
affordable therapy, and when I told the first therapist about myself, including
my narrow interests, hatred of sunlight, and need to shut myself in my house
for days after a single outing, she suggested I had Asperger’s (technically
classified as Autism Spectrum Disorder). And when I went home and started
researching the symptoms, I felt like someone had been following me with a
secret camera my whole life and had collected the data into these articles.
Now, I know
why I went through so many jobs, unable to handle them despite excellent work
performance and even promotions. I wasn’t lazy; I was struggling and didn’t
even realize why. The anxiety, depression, and OCD I’d had for years had been
comorbids of a parent condition.
I’d grown
up thinking everyone heard every single conversation and clicking and tapping
and other noises and that their vision blurred as soon as they walked into a
store, that everyone completely shut their eyes on a mildly sunny day like the
world’s largest camera had just flashed in their faces, like it was normal to
cringe at the feel of velvet or the sound of someone scratching their skin. But
I knew “normal” people didn’t either avoid eye contact like a plague or force
themselves to keep it for a little while before looking away or at the other’s
person’s nose or forehead.
After a
long process, I was finally officially diagnosed with autism this year at the
age of twenty-six. It was a relief, but I still found writing difficult. I
forced myself through edits of my books, though my publisher has always had
generous deadlines. And it’s still hard, but like I said earlier, I think I’m
finally getting back into frequent writing, and I’m currently in therapy.
I don’t
know how else to put it except that I actually feel traumatized from forcing
myself for so long to mask and live as a neurotypical (someone without autism
or similar disorders), and I’m sure many other autistic people can relate.
Women, especially, are diagnosed late in life because we are statistically
better at covering up our symptoms, and many people are only familiar with
common male autistic traits.
My whole
life, stories have been my coping mechanism. Most of my joy has come from and
continues to come from getting lost in fictional worlds, especially fantasy
worlds, the weirder the better, the farthest from the societal norms I don’t
fit into as possible. For that reason, my dream job is still being an author.
I’ve always known I saw the world differently even though I didn’t know exactly
why, but now, I see that as a blessing I can utilize in my creative efforts. As
I continue getting back into writing steadily, I hope to finish and publish the
last book in the Post Worlds series and dozens of other works-in-progress.
I also hope
to spread awareness about the importance of recognizing difficult-to-detect
autism. So many people have suffered and are still suffering because they don’t
know they’re autistic. They’re forcing themselves to be someone they aren’t and
as a result are experiencing trauma and unbearable pain because they think it’s
their fault they don’t fit into society. They think something is wrong with
them when there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, that they only have a
different way of thinking and viewing and responding to the world that is
creative, fantastic, and beautiful. Yes, contrary to stereotype, autistic
people can have vast incredible imaginations. I’m pretty sure my own
imagination has saved my life.
After
starting college at 16, Kristina M. Serrano earned an Associates Degree in
Arts, BFA in Fiction, and a Certificate in Publishing by the time she was 20,
which she regretted because she loved college and wanted to stay there longer.
She rode horses for 10 years, sang the national anthem at four large events,
and gave up her title as Executive Editor of a literary magazine for more time
to pursue her writing career. When not writing, you can find her reading novels
and manga, watching anime, tending to her pet fish, or snuggling her fluffy
bichon frisé. More about Kristina and links to her books and social media can
be found on her website:
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