The Rebel Poetess

As you may know, this year I moved three times in six months.   Moving in itself is stressful enough, when you're going through the trauma of the break up of   a ten year relationship, and major health issues- well to use a cliché the straw that breaks the camel's back. With all three moves, I had very little time to prepare.   In a weird way, this was the best approach for me.   When you have anxiety, the slightest thing can cause your heart rate to rocket.   An invitation to a party, giving a presentation at work, even a car backfiring can make you leap out of your skin. The first move was...for a writer I'm lost for words.   Chaotic.   I had made the decision to move but only had three hours to pack up what was most precious to me, and run for the hills, metaphorically speaking.   The second was super easy and practically stress free. The third move, however, has been extremely stressful.   I didn't move very far, but I have ...

I don't remember where I was when Elvis Presley was found dead(on the toilet of all places. ) I don't remember where I was when Neil Armstrong walked on the Moon.   I don't remember where I was when John Lennon was shot dead. Because I'm a child of the 80s.   I wasn't alive when those major news stories broke.   But I can tell you I was 15 my Mum woke me up after getting in from her Night Shift to tell me Princess Diana had died in a tragic RTA in Paris. Tony Blair was all over the news that day, the TV coverage showing crowds laying flowers at Westminster Palace. My Auntie actually went there to lay flowers. I can tell you when 9/11 happened I was living in Liverpool, in the Kensington area, in a three way student house share, one of the girls I was sharing with came into one of our rooms clutching the Liverpool Echo, the now iconic image of the Twin Towers ablaze silenced our idle chatter, and chilled us to the bone. I can tell you when Grenfell ...

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I am a Child of the 80s.   I grew up in an era where we swam in rivers, made dams in the middle of a stream, and built sandcastles on the beach.   It was the best of times. But everyone has to grow up.   And I did.   I became -quoting Britney here-a girl, then a woman.   Now I'm -quoting Little Britain, a lady!   I'm 36 years old.   And yet sometimes I yearn for the long hot summers where I had no other responsibilities than what hat to wear, and which friend was my best friend that day.   What can I say, I had-still do- a lot of friends. We've become a culture obsessed with smartphones, with technology, and having it all.   I remember in Friends when Chandler, Joey, and Ross realise they are getting older when they go out to a club and finds the music too loud and just want a hot drink at the end of the night.   I feel like that sometimes. I went out last night, to a Metal Night at T...

I had a counselling session the other day.   It was the first one for a number of weeks, for various reasons.   The NHS has really let me down   this year.   I know we are lucky to have it, but there have been huge failings by my GP surgery, and the Mental Health team.   To be frank with you, every organisation which has had a Duty of Care towards me has failed me, in one way or another. If I didn't have a superhuman inner strength, I really don't think I could have got through this. Without an amazing networks of writer friends, colleagues, friends from school and family.   I truly believe if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here right now.   You would be reading my obituary, not my blog.   I know that may be upsetting, shocking for some to read.   But back in May I was at rock bottom.   I'd had to leave my household due to domestic abuse and was living in emergency accommodation.   I was dealing with the fallout of a relatio...

Hello. It's Me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet? There's one problem. I don't feel safe at the moment. Nowhere is a safe space.   The places I used to found sanctuary, I now find scary.   I'm constantly anxious and fearful. Because he's still out there. Living his life. Getting on with things. Well I can't move on until I feel safe.  There is a lot of help out there.  I'm using the help.  I'm accepting it now,  That's been the part of this whole process I've found the hardest. I have always prided myself on being independent, self-sufficient, and not needing other people. Because forgiveness and acceptance are not the same thing.  I forgave my ex-boyfriend the moment I walked out of the door.  I looked him in the eye, and I said to him, 'you are a domestic abuser, and you will never be able to live with what you have done, until you have accepted it.'  Forgiveness was surprisi...

Oh hey there.   You're looking hot.    I hope you don't mind me saying. I wanted to write about a big topic today.   It's not pretty, it's not polite, and it's messy. Because today I am writing about rape.   If you think you will find this post upsetting, offensive or a trigger for you, feel free to switch off now. I won't be offended. Here goes. I know I've hinted at past trauma in previous posts. And you may have already guessed what happened to me. But The Rebel Poetess is all about being 100% real, and I am hoping this will be the last post of this type. I am seeing a counsellor now, and want the blog to be about what I intended it for. Books, poetry, arts, food, beauty, politics. But if I sugar coat anything it isn't true and it isn't right. I would be misleading you. So, basically, my first time, was not consensual. Yes I am talking about rape. I was 18, and it was somebody I knew.   I know this will be upsetting and maybe...

Hello...is it me you're looking for?! Hello, blogosphere. How are you doing? Apologies for the radio silence. I've been out of area. I've been out of the contact zone. I've had time and space to think about what I want.   And my mind has never been sharper or clearer.   My body never more lean or toned. And my mind never sharper or more well balanced. Because -I'll put my cards on the table here. I'm looking for love. Inconvenient, soul searching, makes you weak at the knees love. Rainbows, fireworks, unicorns. I thought I had it once. That was not love. I moved on, thought I'd found another rebel heart. I was mistaken. That person did not love me. You do not hurt someone you love in that way. Because ultimately, the most important relationship you can have in life is with yourself. You have to get that cracked before you can enter another relationship. -with another human. Anther person does not complete you. Well; I've been work...