Tightrope Walking

-

I had a counselling session the other day.  It was the first one for a number of weeks, for various reasons.  The NHS has really let me down  this year.  I know we are lucky to have it, but there have been huge failings by my GP surgery, and the Mental Health team.  To be frank with you, every organisation which has had a Duty of Care towards me has failed me, in one way or another.

If I didn't have a superhuman inner strength, I really don't think I could have got through this. Without an amazing networks of writer friends, colleagues, friends from school and family.  I truly believe if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here right now.  You would be reading my obituary, not my blog.  I know that may be upsetting, shocking for some to read.  But back in May I was at rock bottom.  I'd had to leave my household due to domestic abuse and was living in emergency accommodation.  I was dealing with the fallout of a relationship break-up, which not only took me by surprise, but blindsided me like an uppercut to the solar plexus.  I was going through severe asthma and anxiety.  People who I thought would always be there for me had let me down.  My Drs, so-called friends.  I couldn't see a way out of the darkness.

And then my Big Adopted Sis, and her fella Marvellous M, quite literally came and rescued me. They were visiting family nearby, physically came and got me, drove me to Pembrokeshire. Fed me up. Did my laundry.  Made me laugh so hard my sides hurt.  Something I'd forgotten how to do.  They made me see that life was worth living.  I was worth it.  I was Enough.

Because it's easy to lose faith in humanity.  It's easy to lose faith in others..  But the easiest of all is to lose faith in yourself.  As part of my homework, I'd had to write a letter to my Ex-Boyfriend.  For one reason or another there were a number of weeks between my first and this most recent counselling session.  I broke the rules.  I didn't do my homework.  I procrastinated.  I got distracted by social media, doing my hair, by the smell of fresh coffee on the path I was trailing down in the forest.

The day ticked on.  The sun had come full circle.  Burnt orange clouds hovered overhead.  Suddenly I came to a gap in the clearing. And I could see the light.  And it didn't involve a God, or finding solace in the arms of a soulmate.

My counsellor said to me last week 'Katy, your relationship left you feeling like you had no self-worth.  you were sold a dream, but ended up living a nightmare.'  He asked me if I'd seen Apocalypse Now. I said no.  He gave me the following quote to live by; "never get out of the boat."

He said to me, 'Katy, where are you going?  Literally and metaphorically.  I think I always knew deep down what would bring me happiness. And now I've woken up and smelt the coffee.  I know what I have to do to achieve spiritual fulfilment.  And it doesn't involve playing by anybody else's rules.

So watch this space.  Big things are on the horizon.  I just have to stay on course.  Because I'm the captain of my own ship.  The CEO of my own life.  And do you know what?  It feels fucking fabulous :)


Books: You Get So Alone at Times that It Just Makes Sense, Charles Bukowski

Magazines: Cosmopolitan

Music: Nelly Furtado; I'm Like a Bird

Beauty: The Body Shop hemp hand cream; fab if like me you have super sensitive skin which flares up when stressed

Food: Pies(I'm a Northern Lass at heart)

Drink: Twinings English Breakfast Tea(my tea of choice)

Travel: Scoping out locations for the Rebel Poetess tour, watch this space for more details coming soon

Current obsession: Anything with a bird on; it's no coincidence it symbolises freedom

Word of the day: esoteric(yes I had to look it up too, and I went to University!)

Photo of the week:

Independent Chester recommendation: Festival Church -free Wi-Fi, amazing coffee, and moist cake


#worklifebalance #bi #lgbt #stonewall #tranquility # #sundaytimestop100  #stonewall #realmenarefeminists #metoo #anxiety #depression
#peace #kanyewest #eyeshadowpalette #kylielipkit #thesoundofsilence #meditation #yoga #mentalhealthblogger #therebelpoetess

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Book Review: Sophie Kinsella, What Does it Feel Like?

-
Book Review: Sophie Kinsella, What Does it Feel Like? I first stumbled across Sophie Kinsella's books back in 2004, with one of the Shopaholic series, as part of a reading challenge. It's safe to say I fell in love with her books and have kept returning to them over the years. 'What Does it Feel Like' is her most personal novel(its a novella) yet, about her experience of being diagnosed with Glioblastoma, an aggressive form of brain cancer with no known cure. The book begins before the main character Eve's diagnosis. Eve is a writer and is being interviewed about her writing and family. You get a real sense of someone who appreciates how lucky they are to be living the life they are.  Eve is out walking around the shops in a break from her writing when, reminiscent of a scene from one of her books, she falls in love with a dress in the window of a boutique, which sparks off a new book idea. Next, we see her hitting the ultimate high as her novel is turned into a fil...
Read more

Guest Post: Kristina M Serrano

-
Diagnosed: My Autistic Author’s Life My name is Kristina, and I’ve always loved books. For as long as I can remember. Seriously, in my baby book, my mom recorded my first phrase as being “I want book.” I can’t remember learning how to read because I was always able to, as far as my memory can go back. And I’ve always loved writing. My first-grade teacher told me I was going to write books someday. Now, I’ve so far signed three contracts with the small Canadian publisher Sands Press for my books Slow Echoes, Gold Silence, and Sole Voices, the first three in the Post Worlds series, about an Egyptian-goddess descendant who falls in love with a boxer despite supernatural challenges prying them apart. But for a while, writing was very difficult. I’ve only recently started getting back into the habit again. Severe depression, anxiety, and OCD had been building over many years until one day I had a panic attack right in the middle of my shift as a jewelry salesperson that sent me...
Read more

I'm Not OK

-
Greetings fellow creative types!  How are you? If you're reading this you either know me personally or are lucky enough to have stumbled across the best new blog ever by pure chance. Fate, destiny, whatever. You're here. So let's get to know each other. Does that mean we have to talk about our feelings? Really hope not. Recently I've been through some major personal trauma. Hands down the worst period of my life. I've always thought of myself as a positive person who can get through anything. I've been through a lot of shit in my life(not a huge fan of swearing but sometimes there's no substitute for it. Except the C word. Not a fan of that.) I'm going to be completely honest and open with you now. If you're reading this, you are already someone I know and trust, and one thing I have learnt from this whole experience, is that through my life I have always been someone who suffers with anxiety. I have always been a worrier. When I was five I used ...
Read more