Tightrope Walking

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I had a counselling session the other day.  It was the first one for a number of weeks, for various reasons.  The NHS has really let me down  this year.  I know we are lucky to have it, but there have been huge failings by my GP surgery, and the Mental Health team.  To be frank with you, every organisation which has had a Duty of Care towards me has failed me, in one way or another.

If I didn't have a superhuman inner strength, I really don't think I could have got through this. Without an amazing networks of writer friends, colleagues, friends from school and family.  I truly believe if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here right now.  You would be reading my obituary, not my blog.  I know that may be upsetting, shocking for some to read.  But back in May I was at rock bottom.  I'd had to leave my household due to domestic abuse and was living in emergency accommodation.  I was dealing with the fallout of a relationship break-up, which not only took me by surprise, but blindsided me like an uppercut to the solar plexus.  I was going through severe asthma and anxiety.  People who I thought would always be there for me had let me down.  My Drs, so-called friends.  I couldn't see a way out of the darkness.

And then my Big Adopted Sis, and her fella Marvellous M, quite literally came and rescued me. They were visiting family nearby, physically came and got me, drove me to Pembrokeshire. Fed me up. Did my laundry.  Made me laugh so hard my sides hurt.  Something I'd forgotten how to do.  They made me see that life was worth living.  I was worth it.  I was Enough.

Because it's easy to lose faith in humanity.  It's easy to lose faith in others..  But the easiest of all is to lose faith in yourself.  As part of my homework, I'd had to write a letter to my Ex-Boyfriend.  For one reason or another there were a number of weeks between my first and this most recent counselling session.  I broke the rules.  I didn't do my homework.  I procrastinated.  I got distracted by social media, doing my hair, by the smell of fresh coffee on the path I was trailing down in the forest.

The day ticked on.  The sun had come full circle.  Burnt orange clouds hovered overhead.  Suddenly I came to a gap in the clearing. And I could see the light.  And it didn't involve a God, or finding solace in the arms of a soulmate.

My counsellor said to me last week 'Katy, your relationship left you feeling like you had no self-worth.  you were sold a dream, but ended up living a nightmare.'  He asked me if I'd seen Apocalypse Now. I said no.  He gave me the following quote to live by; "never get out of the boat."

He said to me, 'Katy, where are you going?  Literally and metaphorically.  I think I always knew deep down what would bring me happiness. And now I've woken up and smelt the coffee.  I know what I have to do to achieve spiritual fulfilment.  And it doesn't involve playing by anybody else's rules.

So watch this space.  Big things are on the horizon.  I just have to stay on course.  Because I'm the captain of my own ship.  The CEO of my own life.  And do you know what?  It feels fucking fabulous :)


Books: You Get So Alone at Times that It Just Makes Sense, Charles Bukowski

Magazines: Cosmopolitan

Music: Nelly Furtado; I'm Like a Bird

Beauty: The Body Shop hemp hand cream; fab if like me you have super sensitive skin which flares up when stressed

Food: Pies(I'm a Northern Lass at heart)

Drink: Twinings English Breakfast Tea(my tea of choice)

Travel: Scoping out locations for the Rebel Poetess tour, watch this space for more details coming soon

Current obsession: Anything with a bird on; it's no coincidence it symbolises freedom

Word of the day: esoteric(yes I had to look it up too, and I went to University!)

Photo of the week:

Independent Chester recommendation: Festival Church -free Wi-Fi, amazing coffee, and moist cake


#worklifebalance #bi #lgbt #stonewall #tranquility # #sundaytimestop100  #stonewall #realmenarefeminists #metoo #anxiety #depression
#peace #kanyewest #eyeshadowpalette #kylielipkit #thesoundofsilence #meditation #yoga #mentalhealthblogger #therebelpoetess

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