The Rebel Poetess

As you may know, this year I moved three times in six months.   Moving in itself is stressful enough, when you're going through the trauma of the break up of   a ten year relationship, and major health issues- well to use a cliché the straw that breaks the camel's back. With all three moves, I had very little time to prepare.   In a weird way, this was the best approach for me.   When you have anxiety, the slightest thing can cause your heart rate to rocket.   An invitation to a party, giving a presentation at work, even a car backfiring can make you leap out of your skin. The first move was...for a writer I'm lost for words.   Chaotic.   I had made the decision to move but only had three hours to pack up what was most precious to me, and run for the hills, metaphorically speaking.   The second was super easy and practically stress free. The third move, however, has been extremely stressful.   I didn't move very far, but I have ...

I had a counselling session the other day.   It was the first one for a number of weeks, for various reasons.   The NHS has really let me down   this year.   I know we are lucky to have it, but there have been huge failings by my GP surgery, and the Mental Health team.   To be frank with you, every organisation which has had a Duty of Care towards me has failed me, in one way or another. If I didn't have a superhuman inner strength, I really don't think I could have got through this. Without an amazing networks of writer friends, colleagues, friends from school and family.   I truly believe if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here right now.   You would be reading my obituary, not my blog.   I know that may be upsetting, shocking for some to read.   But back in May I was at rock bottom.   I'd had to leave my household due to domestic abuse and was living in emergency accommodation.   I was dealing with the fallout of a relatio...

Hello. It's Me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet? There's one problem. I don't feel safe at the moment. Nowhere is a safe space.   The places I used to found sanctuary, I now find scary.   I'm constantly anxious and fearful. Because he's still out there. Living his life. Getting on with things. Well I can't move on until I feel safe.  There is a lot of help out there.  I'm using the help.  I'm accepting it now,  That's been the part of this whole process I've found the hardest. I have always prided myself on being independent, self-sufficient, and not needing other people. Because forgiveness and acceptance are not the same thing.  I forgave my ex-boyfriend the moment I walked out of the door.  I looked him in the eye, and I said to him, 'you are a domestic abuser, and you will never be able to live with what you have done, until you have accepted it.'  Forgiveness was surprisi...

Oh hey there.   You're looking hot.    I hope you don't mind me saying. I wanted to write about a big topic today.   It's not pretty, it's not polite, and it's messy. Because today I am writing about rape.   If you think you will find this post upsetting, offensive or a trigger for you, feel free to switch off now. I won't be offended. Here goes. I know I've hinted at past trauma in previous posts. And you may have already guessed what happened to me. But The Rebel Poetess is all about being 100% real, and I am hoping this will be the last post of this type. I am seeing a counsellor now, and want the blog to be about what I intended it for. Books, poetry, arts, food, beauty, politics. But if I sugar coat anything it isn't true and it isn't right. I would be misleading you. So, basically, my first time, was not consensual. Yes I am talking about rape. I was 18, and it was somebody I knew.   I know this will be upsetting and maybe...

Hello...is it me you're looking for?! Hello, blogosphere. How are you doing? Apologies for the radio silence. I've been out of area. I've been out of the contact zone. I've had time and space to think about what I want.   And my mind has never been sharper or clearer.   My body never more lean or toned. And my mind never sharper or more well balanced. Because -I'll put my cards on the table here. I'm looking for love. Inconvenient, soul searching, makes you weak at the knees love. Rainbows, fireworks, unicorns. I thought I had it once. That was not love. I moved on, thought I'd found another rebel heart. I was mistaken. That person did not love me. You do not hurt someone you love in that way. Because ultimately, the most important relationship you can have in life is with yourself. You have to get that cracked before you can enter another relationship. -with another human. Anther person does not complete you. Well; I've been work...