The Rebel Poetess

Today I wanted to write about Valentine's Day.   What does it mean to you?   I was talking to somebody yesterday about Valentine's Day and used the example of the first Sex and the City movie.   Carrie and Miranda go out for dinner, and the restaurant is full of heart shaped balloons and glitter.   One of them asks the other 'is Valentine's Day on steroids this year', the other replies that it was the same the previous year, but they were on the other side, playing for the other team as it were. It's a funny old thing Valentine's Day.   It definitely feels different when you are single to when you are in a couple.   When I've been in relationships, I've always done something for it, not necessarily going out, typically I would cook, then exchanging cards and sometimes presents. I've been thinking recently about the notion of the One that Got Away.   I think everybody has one, whether they're coupled up or not.   Someone where you wo...

I've always loved Christmas.  Even though I eventually found out *spoiler alert* that Santa Claus wasn't real(which I subsequently told my school friends straight away, bet their parents hated me), the magic never went away for me.  And it was never really about the 'stuff', I was never the sort of child to ask for lots of expensive presents, I was always happiest in activities which allowed me to engage my imagination, like reading books, going off on adventures with my friends, and writing stories(my mum says when I was about five I wrote a story about a man whose hands were made of saucepans -not surprising given my obsession with food!) I think my Grandparents on my Mum's side both grew up in Children's Homes, they always made such a fuss about Christmas, we never had a lot of money but they taught us that it was most important to all be together, though my Grandad did always forget to take the price off things, which my Granny would made sure to tell him ...

Diagnosed: My Autistic Author’s Life My name is Kristina, and I’ve always loved books. For as long as I can remember. Seriously, in my baby book, my mom recorded my first phrase as being “I want book.” I can’t remember learning how to read because I was always able to, as far as my memory can go back. And I’ve always loved writing. My first-grade teacher told me I was going to write books someday. Now, I’ve so far signed three contracts with the small Canadian publisher Sands Press for my books Slow Echoes, Gold Silence, and Sole Voices, the first three in the Post Worlds series, about an Egyptian-goddess descendant who falls in love with a boxer despite supernatural challenges prying them apart. But for a while, writing was very difficult. I’ve only recently started getting back into the habit again. Severe depression, anxiety, and OCD had been building over many years until one day I had a panic attack right in the middle of my shift as a jewelry salesperson that sent me...

As you may know, this year I moved three times in six months.   Moving in itself is stressful enough, when you're going through the trauma of the break up of   a ten year relationship, and major health issues- well to use a cliché the straw that breaks the camel's back. With all three moves, I had very little time to prepare.   In a weird way, this was the best approach for me.   When you have anxiety, the slightest thing can cause your heart rate to rocket.   An invitation to a party, giving a presentation at work, even a car backfiring can make you leap out of your skin. The first move was...for a writer I'm lost for words.   Chaotic.   I had made the decision to move but only had three hours to pack up what was most precious to me, and run for the hills, metaphorically speaking.   The second was super easy and practically stress free. The third move, however, has been extremely stressful.   I didn't move very far, but I have ...

I attended a mindfulness session at work yesterday, as part of World Mental Health Day.   One focal point was how our current world is at such a frantic pace.   We rarely take time to stop and just be.   I used to live life at a million miles a minute.  Fast paced workouts. Fast paced pacing around. My ex-boyfriend always wanted to eat while watching TV . I like films, but I like to focus on my food, to have a conversation over dinner. To talk about your day.  He used to put his hand up to silence me if I spoke while we were eating. I used to laugh it off, but now I see how condescending that was. You can practice mindfulness in many different ways. One of these is The Body Scan, see below  The Body Scan, by Jon Kabat Zinn This really helped me when I was in the grip of severe depression and anxiety.  His book,  Full Catastrophe Living, recommended to me by  a fellow Depression Warrior and all round awesome person,  really ...

Amanda Steel is a multi-genre author who sometimes writes under the pen name of Aleesha Black. She is also a creative writing student and the co-host of Reading in Bed, which is a monthly book review podcast. Her author website is www.amandasteelwriter.com Pebbles and boulders When she began walking Her boulder was a pebble And the mountain was a tiny hill Now the boulder gets heavier everyday The mountain becomes steeper People run by as if she's not there She trips over pebbles now If she could just make it to the top She would drop the boulder Watching it crumble And crush all the pebbles They say she made it all up in her head But the truth is, the boulder is made up Of a thousand tiny pebbles And she's overloaded One more pebble will send her Tumbling back down https://www.amandasteelwriter.com/

I had a counselling session the other day.   It was the first one for a number of weeks, for various reasons.   The NHS has really let me down   this year.   I know we are lucky to have it, but there have been huge failings by my GP surgery, and the Mental Health team.   To be frank with you, every organisation which has had a Duty of Care towards me has failed me, in one way or another. If I didn't have a superhuman inner strength, I really don't think I could have got through this. Without an amazing networks of writer friends, colleagues, friends from school and family.   I truly believe if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here right now.   You would be reading my obituary, not my blog.   I know that may be upsetting, shocking for some to read.   But back in May I was at rock bottom.   I'd had to leave my household due to domestic abuse and was living in emergency accommodation.   I was dealing with the fallout of a relatio...

I've been thinking recently about Doctor Who.  I'm a self-confessed Sci-fi geek(I blame my Dad), and was talking to friends tonight at Storyhouse about this.  I used to be able to name all of the Drs in chronological order(girl geek party trick), I am also a huge fan of Russell T Davies, and loved his writing on both Queer as Folk- which came at the perfect Coming of Age time for me when I was exploring sexuality for the first time-realising that I was attracted to women as well as men. I also loved Cucumber which was simply stunning writing; it brought the same issues of gender, what it means to be gay/bi/LGBT into the twenty-first century with a hard hitting, at times brutal tone. One scene I still cannot get out of my head was one which -if you watched Cucumber you'll know the one I was talking about -was where a character who everyone thinks is a nice, chirpy, easy-going guy flips out and carries out a sudden and fatal act of violence.  It still haunts me now...

Very brief post(hopefully.)  Yesterday brought a new month and coming soon the start of a new season -autumn in the UK. My cousin Magnificent M, and her fella P, live in New Zealand.  They are desperate for me to move out there. I am extremely tempted, with my qualifications and work experience I should score really highly on the skilled Migrant list.  Just gotta save some dollars first, I'm thinking like two years time?  It's a pipe dream anyway. But enough about me, how are you doing?  Currently sat in the gym cafe eating Overnight Oats after an Abs Blast class.  Compare to a year ago I was probably cooking a Roast and munching on Percy Pigs -what kind of monster have I become?! In all seriousness, I never would have guessed a year ago I would no longer be with my ex-boyfriend, that he would break up with me in the middle of the night when I was having an asthma attack, that I would have to leave the household due to three incidents of domestic ...

Greetings fellow creative types!  How are you? If you're reading this you either know me personally or are lucky enough to have stumbled across the best new blog ever by pure chance. Fate, destiny, whatever. You're here. So let's get to know each other. Does that mean we have to talk about our feelings? Really hope not. Recently I've been through some major personal trauma. Hands down the worst period of my life. I've always thought of myself as a positive person who can get through anything. I've been through a lot of shit in my life(not a huge fan of swearing but sometimes there's no substitute for it. Except the C word. Not a fan of that.) I'm going to be completely honest and open with you now. If you're reading this, you are already someone I know and trust, and one thing I have learnt from this whole experience, is that through my life I have always been someone who suffers with anxiety. I have always been a worrier. When I was five I used ...