From Woe Woe Woe to Ho Ho Ho: Mental health update
I've always loved Christmas. Even though I eventually found out *spoiler alert* that Santa Claus wasn't real(which I subsequently told my school friends straight away, bet their parents hated me), the magic never went away for me. And it was never really about the 'stuff', I was never the sort of child to ask for lots of expensive presents, I was always happiest in activities which allowed me to engage my imagination, like reading books, going off on adventures with my friends, and writing stories(my mum says when I was about five I wrote a story about a man whose hands were made of saucepans -not surprising given my obsession with food!)
I think my Grandparents on my Mum's side both grew up in Children's Homes, they always made such a fuss about Christmas, we never had a lot of money but they taught us that it was most important to all be together, though my Grandad did always forget to take the price off things, which my Granny would made sure to tell him about!
There haven't been many Christmases I haven't enjoyed. The one just gone was truly magical, none of us had much money -seeing a theme here- but after the year we all had, just coming together and reveling in the chaos of Christmas felt extra-special, a year which at times I honestly didn't think I would survive.
But Christmas 2017 was a different story. I was fully in the grip of major anxiety and depression. I was convinced I was walking around with a flashing neon sign with 'DEPRESSION' on it in capital letters. In my head, I was a worthless person, no good to anyone, 'no one would miss me if I wasn't around anymore' was a daily thought. At work I would isolate myself, always sitting alone on my lunch breaks, thinking myself not good enough company to socialise with others. I convinced myself I was terrible at my job, that everyone was better than me. And going to a new poetry night, where previously I would be straight on stage, I was gripped by a terrible stage-fright which my then boyfriend practically had to force me on to perform.
It was a horrible horrible place to be, a feeling which only began to lift around February 2018, with the help of Anti-Depressants. Then came my birthday in March, then April and well, you know what happened next.
But I don't ever want to forget that feeling, I don't want to become complacent about feeling happy, mental health is a tightrope which at times can feel like a taut one which bears a huge weight. I don't cry every day anymore. The first Christmas, New Year without a partner when you have been with the same person for many years seems strange. You're just signing your name on the cards. You're decorating your Christmas tree -if you still choose to -all by yourself. Lots of people go through this. I need to remind myself it's not just about me sometimes.
There are worse things in life than spending Christmas/New Year's Eve alone. But I spoke to an elderly customer at work today who had done just that, and I wished I could have given her a hug across the phone. It got me right in the heart. So I'm here for you too. All of you. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it. I'm grateful for my readership. Whether you're in New Zealand, Canada, Portugal or good old Blighty. If we haven't spent time together for ages, let's get together this year.
There's a whole world out there. And this poetess is gonna kick ass in 2019.
Peace and Love
The Rebel Poetess
I think my Grandparents on my Mum's side both grew up in Children's Homes, they always made such a fuss about Christmas, we never had a lot of money but they taught us that it was most important to all be together, though my Grandad did always forget to take the price off things, which my Granny would made sure to tell him about!
There haven't been many Christmases I haven't enjoyed. The one just gone was truly magical, none of us had much money -seeing a theme here- but after the year we all had, just coming together and reveling in the chaos of Christmas felt extra-special, a year which at times I honestly didn't think I would survive.
But Christmas 2017 was a different story. I was fully in the grip of major anxiety and depression. I was convinced I was walking around with a flashing neon sign with 'DEPRESSION' on it in capital letters. In my head, I was a worthless person, no good to anyone, 'no one would miss me if I wasn't around anymore' was a daily thought. At work I would isolate myself, always sitting alone on my lunch breaks, thinking myself not good enough company to socialise with others. I convinced myself I was terrible at my job, that everyone was better than me. And going to a new poetry night, where previously I would be straight on stage, I was gripped by a terrible stage-fright which my then boyfriend practically had to force me on to perform.
It was a horrible horrible place to be, a feeling which only began to lift around February 2018, with the help of Anti-Depressants. Then came my birthday in March, then April and well, you know what happened next.
But I don't ever want to forget that feeling, I don't want to become complacent about feeling happy, mental health is a tightrope which at times can feel like a taut one which bears a huge weight. I don't cry every day anymore. The first Christmas, New Year without a partner when you have been with the same person for many years seems strange. You're just signing your name on the cards. You're decorating your Christmas tree -if you still choose to -all by yourself. Lots of people go through this. I need to remind myself it's not just about me sometimes.
There are worse things in life than spending Christmas/New Year's Eve alone. But I spoke to an elderly customer at work today who had done just that, and I wished I could have given her a hug across the phone. It got me right in the heart. So I'm here for you too. All of you. Thanks for reading. I appreciate it. I'm grateful for my readership. Whether you're in New Zealand, Canada, Portugal or good old Blighty. If we haven't spent time together for ages, let's get together this year.
There's a whole world out there. And this poetess is gonna kick ass in 2019.
Peace and Love
The Rebel Poetess
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