No Man is an Island; how my Smartphone became my salvation in the darkest moments

Very brief post(hopefully.)  Yesterday brought a new month and coming soon the start of a new season -autumn in the UK. My cousin Magnificent M, and her fella P, live in New Zealand.  They are desperate for me to move out there. I am extremely tempted, with my qualifications and work experience I should score really highly on the skilled Migrant list.  Just gotta save some dollars first, I'm thinking like two years time?  It's a pipe dream anyway.

But enough about me, how are you doing?  Currently sat in the gym cafe eating Overnight Oats after an Abs Blast class.  Compare to a year ago I was probably cooking a Roast and munching on Percy Pigs -what kind of monster have I become?!

In all seriousness, I never would have guessed a year ago I would no longer be with my ex-boyfriend, that he would break up with me in the middle of the night when I was having an asthma attack, that I would have to leave the household due to three incidents of domestic abuse which meant I feared for my life and had to call the police on three occasions as I was so fearful for my safety.  That he would then change the locks and withhold access to my possessions. Continue to harrass me until I blocked him on all social media and email.  Had to change my phone number. That his family would call me an attention seeker and an embarrassment to their family(not all of them, just the alpha females of the family, surprisingly.)  I thought that we would be together for the rest of my life. I thought I had life cracked.  My future was bright, I knew it.

I was kind of wrong.  You never expect your relationship to end with the prospect of the other party getting up to five years in prison.  You never expect your life to implode so catastrophically that you lose everything you thought you held dear.  If I could compare it to a national tragedy I would say it's like Grenfell Tower in human form.

But it did happen.  I have been through the hardest and most challenging period of my life from October 2017 when I developed severe anxiety and depression, and the rest. The depression was just starting to lift in February 2018, and I had an amazing birthday celebration with my now ex-boyfriend.

On 27th March I took part in a cycle challenge at work to raise money for Alzheimer's. This is a cause so close to my heart, as my Granny suffered with Dementia for ten years, and my Nan and Grandad on my Dad's side have it terribly now.   The next day, 28th of March, was when my world fell apart.  I got sent home from work with exhaustion and so began the chapter of my life described above.

But you know what?  My life didn't fall apart.  It just became a bit of a hot mess for a while.  I thought at the peak of my depression nobody liked me, everybody hated me, I was disgusting to look at, I was worthless and less than zero. At times I thought when I was driving to work, 'if I drove my car off a bridge nobody would miss me.'  There's nothing worse than feeling like nobody notices if you exists or not.

I know now that wasn't true. Look at 9/11. Look at London 7/7. Look at Grenfell Tower. Because out of devastating pain and tragedy, emerges the strength of the human spirit.

I went to Prague with Sixth Form in 1999, with my Drama group.  As part of the trip we went to the Jewish War Memorial.  It's hard to explain just how powerful it was, but imagine walls full of names of all the people who were killed in The Holocaust.  Drawings from children who had only known bloodshed and pain.

My good friend Ravishing R -who by the way used to be an amazing photographer -took a photo that day.  If I remember rightly, it was of the gravestones, with green shoots breaking through the earth below.  I t was so powerful and expressed more beautifully than I ever could in words how, no matter what you go through, no matter how tragic or painful your circumstances, there is a way out.

And it shouldn't involve the prospect of driving your car off a bridge. Because my heart was in a prison. To the rest of the world I appeared normal, but inside I was desperately unhappy.

But time has passed, and a lot of water has flown under that bridge. I feel lucky. I had a lucky escape. Imagine if I'd stayed in the relationship and not been able to have kids?  That would be truly devastating.

Through this whole experience I have seen the light and can see now I have an amazing network of friends, colleagues, and family. I have a busy and active social life, and -although I may have down days, I have found true happiness.  And it doesn't involve having a boyfriend. Of course that would be nice, but it's the icing on the cake, rather than the entire cake. 

So if you are still reading, then thank you. If we know each other personally, please know that I appreciate you. I'm here for you. Because karma is a powerful force.  You can't just take from the universe and give nothing back. You have to pay it forward.  So next weekend I am hoping to go to an event raising money for Alzheimer's, and I'm planning to party like there's no tomorrow.

I don't deserve what happened to me. Nobody does. But out of the ashes of my old life, I'm rising, like a phoenix.  And my wings have never been brighter or stronger.

Love and Peace

KK

Reading: First Man In: Leading from the Front; Ant Middleton

Watching; The World go by

Beauty: Kiko Beachy waterproof mascara

Food: My greens -kale, Tenderstem broccoli, sweet potato

Drink: H20

Travel: Dreaming of wide open spaces when I have my core leave

Current obsession: Kettlebells. Loving being back exercising, and going to classes. Meeting new people and for mental health and physical health, the positive effect is amazing even only after two weeks.