I'm Not OK
Greetings fellow creative types! How are you? If you're reading this you either know me personally or are lucky enough to have stumbled across the best new blog ever by pure chance. Fate, destiny, whatever. You're here.
So let's get to know each other. Does that mean we have to talk about our feelings? Really hope not. Recently I've been through some major personal trauma. Hands down the worst period of my life. I've always thought of myself as a positive person who can get through anything. I've been through a lot of shit in my life(not a huge fan of swearing but sometimes there's no substitute for it. Except the C word. Not a fan of that.)
I'm going to be completely honest and open with you now. If you're reading this, you are already someone I know and trust, and one thing I have learnt from this whole experience, is that through my life I have always been someone who suffers with anxiety. I have always been a worrier. When I was five I used to worry about school. My Mum started this thing where I was allowed to talk about my worries for an hour a day, then I had to think about other things. That really worked. It focused my little five year old poetess mind and gave me a safe space to share.
But the years went by and life got in the way. I grew up. Went to Uni. Fell in love, Had a career. Had my heart broken. Travelled. Found love again. Raised my game in the poetry stratosphere. Had some life trauma. Got made redundant. Got a new job with an amazing company. Did that for just over a year. The commuting and long hours nearly broke me. Found my current job. Couldn't believe my luck after working my little heart off for years, I was lucky enough to work for such an amazing company. A company who values their employees for who they are and wants them to be able to be themselves at work. A company with no dress code, as they want their employees to be comfortable. A CEO who is an absolute powerhouse of a woman, and champions change as well as charitable causes.
But I'm too sick to work at the moment and it's killing me(metaphorically speaking!) I love going to work. I love my work family. I love their banter. I feel grateful every day to work there. I won't bore you all with the details(not like me!) I am signed off with anxiety and have been since 28th March. It has been an absolute bitch of a time. Multiple Drs vists, blood tests, referral to the top asthma consultant in the country. Extreme weight loss(dropped three dress sizes in three weeks,) Paramedics, multiple A&E visits. The works. Physical health and mental health are tied together so intrinsically. Plus I suffer with several long term chronic conditions(Asthma and Coeliacs) which have been pretty uncontrolled recently.
The whole experience has made me re-evaluate how I live my life and who I choose to have in it. No toxic people. Positive vibes only. A slower pace. Yoga, meditation. I was like a coiled spring that's snapped. So for the friends who have so kindly regularly sent me little messages, even WhatsApp with a little emoji. The friend who made me a Care Package which included a Disney Princess lunchbox-friend for life!-. The friends who have offered me respite from my current situation. Because sometimes a change is as good as a rest. I appreciate you. I am grateful.
Had my heart broken again. My heart hurts. But I know hearts are resilient. It will get better. Recently my life has been like one of those films where the girl has a one night stand, then the next day sits in the shower with a hangover crying, while the water washes over her. But without the hangover. Or the one night stand. Just the crying! I make jokes and I self-deprecate, because it helps me cope. Don't think I don't spend the small hours weeping gentlyfor the fragments of my broken life. I do. But things are getting better. I've gone from crying all day every day to the twilight hours. I've gone from crying in M&S because we used to do our food shopping together. To being able to shop for food without crying. Because the human spirit is an amazing thing. I have been broken. But I'm putting my pieces back together again. I am resilient and have the dogged determination to go get my life back. So at the moment I'm in the tunnel. It's been pretty dark. But I can see a chink of light.
So let's get to know each other. Does that mean we have to talk about our feelings? Really hope not. Recently I've been through some major personal trauma. Hands down the worst period of my life. I've always thought of myself as a positive person who can get through anything. I've been through a lot of shit in my life(not a huge fan of swearing but sometimes there's no substitute for it. Except the C word. Not a fan of that.)
I'm going to be completely honest and open with you now. If you're reading this, you are already someone I know and trust, and one thing I have learnt from this whole experience, is that through my life I have always been someone who suffers with anxiety. I have always been a worrier. When I was five I used to worry about school. My Mum started this thing where I was allowed to talk about my worries for an hour a day, then I had to think about other things. That really worked. It focused my little five year old poetess mind and gave me a safe space to share.
But the years went by and life got in the way. I grew up. Went to Uni. Fell in love, Had a career. Had my heart broken. Travelled. Found love again. Raised my game in the poetry stratosphere. Had some life trauma. Got made redundant. Got a new job with an amazing company. Did that for just over a year. The commuting and long hours nearly broke me. Found my current job. Couldn't believe my luck after working my little heart off for years, I was lucky enough to work for such an amazing company. A company who values their employees for who they are and wants them to be able to be themselves at work. A company with no dress code, as they want their employees to be comfortable. A CEO who is an absolute powerhouse of a woman, and champions change as well as charitable causes.
But I'm too sick to work at the moment and it's killing me(metaphorically speaking!) I love going to work. I love my work family. I love their banter. I feel grateful every day to work there. I won't bore you all with the details(not like me!) I am signed off with anxiety and have been since 28th March. It has been an absolute bitch of a time. Multiple Drs vists, blood tests, referral to the top asthma consultant in the country. Extreme weight loss(dropped three dress sizes in three weeks,) Paramedics, multiple A&E visits. The works. Physical health and mental health are tied together so intrinsically. Plus I suffer with several long term chronic conditions(Asthma and Coeliacs) which have been pretty uncontrolled recently.
The whole experience has made me re-evaluate how I live my life and who I choose to have in it. No toxic people. Positive vibes only. A slower pace. Yoga, meditation. I was like a coiled spring that's snapped. So for the friends who have so kindly regularly sent me little messages, even WhatsApp with a little emoji. The friend who made me a Care Package which included a Disney Princess lunchbox-friend for life!-. The friends who have offered me respite from my current situation. Because sometimes a change is as good as a rest. I appreciate you. I am grateful.
Had my heart broken again. My heart hurts. But I know hearts are resilient. It will get better. Recently my life has been like one of those films where the girl has a one night stand, then the next day sits in the shower with a hangover crying, while the water washes over her. But without the hangover. Or the one night stand. Just the crying! I make jokes and I self-deprecate, because it helps me cope. Don't think I don't spend the small hours weeping gentlyfor the fragments of my broken life. I do. But things are getting better. I've gone from crying all day every day to the twilight hours. I've gone from crying in M&S because we used to do our food shopping together. To being able to shop for food without crying. Because the human spirit is an amazing thing. I have been broken. But I'm putting my pieces back together again. I am resilient and have the dogged determination to go get my life back. So at the moment I'm in the tunnel. It's been pretty dark. But I can see a chink of light.
And if you're still reading this, thanks for listening. Almost everyone I know is at breaking point. The universe is in crisis. But the future is bright. In fact, bright doesn't cut it. The future could be fucking phenomenal. Sorry for the literary tourettes. But this time I need it. And remember, if you are going through it too, it will be ok. It's ok right now to not be ok. But I am here for you. Remember that always.
Current mood:
Music: S.O.A.D
Beauty: Coconut oil
Book: Jon Ronson
Travel: Been exploring the Welsh countryside in my little car
Got inked again...getting a little addicted ;-) http://www.crownofthornstattoo.co.uk/artists/
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