Cucumber, Coming of Age, and Coming Out

I've been thinking recently about Doctor Who.  I'm a self-confessed Sci-fi geek(I blame my Dad), and was talking to friends tonight at Storyhouse about this.  I used to be able to name all of the Drs in chronological order(girl geek party trick), I am also a huge fan of Russell T Davies, and loved his writing on both Queer as Folk- which came at the perfect Coming of Age time for me when I was exploring sexuality for the first time-realising that I was attracted to women as well as men. I also loved Cucumber which was simply stunning writing; it brought the same issues of gender, what it means to be gay/bi/LGBT into the twenty-first century with a hard hitting, at times brutal tone.

One scene I still cannot get out of my head was one which -if you watched Cucumber you'll know the one I was talking about -was where a character who everyone thinks is a nice, chirpy, easy-going guy flips out and carries out a sudden and fatal act of violence.  It still haunts me now.

You didn't actually see much of what happened,. It was more in what was implied, but it was an incredibly powerful piece of drama.  Following this, in the rest of the series, a court case followed, the perpetrator denied all wrongdoing, it was only when they found someone willing to give evidence, that justice could be served.

The character who acted in this way was so over-wrought, so unaccepting of the fact that he was gay, all sexual acts had to be carried out in secret. He was quite literally shuddering in shame as he had his orgasm.

It must be awful to be so conflicted, so afraid or embarrassed at being who you are.  It remands me of the character in American Beauty who was abusive to his son and made an advance on Kevin Spacey's character-Lester Burnham- in his home gym when nobody was around, and the rain was pouring down.  Well we all know how that panned out.

My ex-boyfriend used to make some really homophobic comments sometimes.  I only realised he was like this after we had been together for a little while. Well, one of my best mates is gay. A lot of my closest friends are gay. As you know, I 'm Bi.  I knew deep down I couldn't share a future with someone with such different values to me.  It can't be a coincidence that his son came out publicly on Instagram virtually as soon as I left the household.

Because I don't believe you have to have the same views on everything as a significant other.  How boring would that be?  I like a bit of intellectual debate, putting the world to rights. Meeting friends for a pub quiz, a coffee, a film night.  He hated me going on nights out with other people, because my plans didn't involve him.  He must have been jealous I would talk to other men/women.

Well nights out for me are not about being on the pull. I love socialising and meeting new people. Trying a new cocktail, making friends for life while a bit tipsy in the toilets.  Dancing so much my feet hurt. Screaming out lyrics to songs to the extent that my throat is red raw the next morning.

It's like travel. I have the Wanderlust, big time. I love travel. He always used to say to me 'oh well you've been to see your friends now, you've got it out of your system.' No mate, the Wanderlust isn't something you can get out of your system.  You either have it or you don't, and I've got it in spades.

Someone said to me when i was going through the worst part of heartbreak, just because the old places remind you of him, doesn't mean you can't go back. You can make new memories in the old places.  You're just taking a different path.  So I will go back to Barcelona, to Rome, to Paris.  I will make new memories. I might be alone, I might be with a friend, or I might even be with a new boyfriend/girlfriend or one day a husband/wife.

Because it's the possibility that's exciting with travel, and each day.  My friends laugh at me because I carry around so much shit.  But actually, I do it so I'm always prepared for the next adventure. Each day is a new page to write your story in.  Make it a good one.

Like one of the characters in American Beauty says, there's so much beauty in the world sometime, I just can't take it. It becomes too much.  And I am unashamedly me. I won't apologise for who I am. I am kind, I am respectful, and I don't deserve what happened to me  But truth will out in the end. It always does.  I just have to bide my time

So, if you're still reading this, thanks for listening.  And if we haven't met up for a while, let's go on an adventure. You bring the flask of coffee -yes I'm an old soul -I'll bring the picnic blanket.

Peace&Love Blogosphere.

Books: Milk and Honey; Rupi Kaur

Magazines: Women's Health

Beauty: Eyelash curlers

Food: carbs carbs carbs

Drink: Coffee(it's one of my biggest addictions)

Travel: Dreaming of going back to Barcelona after going in 2013

Current obsession: My Wonder Woman Converse. Like me, they're a bit battered and a bit knackered, but they make me feel invincible

#gay #bi #lgbt #stonewall #drwho #jodiewhittaker #russelltdavies #queerasfolk 

#dontsufferinsilence #realmenarefeminists #metoo #anxiety #depression

#peace #tranquility #meditation #yoga #mentalhealthblogger #therebelpoetess