The Rebel Poetess

I have something to tell you. You might find it upsetting. You may be a little shocked.  I'm not going to beat about the bush(no pun intended.)  During my counselling session this week I had a bit of an epiphany.  It was something I'd always wondered about myself, and deep down knew was always an issue for me. I'm just going to come out and say it. My counsellor thinks I have an eating disorder. That may be upsetting for you to read, or come as no surprise to others who have seen me over the last six months.  I've always had issues with food and body size.  In our family, half of us seem to have skinny genes, and the other half have more tendency to put on weight. The eating disorder I would say I most identify with is Anorexia Nervosa.  In April I was hardly eating.  I was physically weak and unable to work due to this. Under Domestic Abusive, this comes under Coercive Control; Serious Affect in the eyes of the Law.  I was like a walking skel...

Goodbye to Facebook

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I am a Child of the 80s.   I grew up in an era where we swam in rivers, made dams in the middle of a stream, and built sandcastles on the beach.   It was the best of times. But everyone has to grow up.   And I did.   I became -quoting Britney here-a girl, then a woman.   Now I'm -quoting Little Britain, a lady!   I'm 36 years old.   And yet sometimes I yearn for the long hot summers where I had no other responsibilities than what hat to wear, and which friend was my best friend that day.   What can I say, I had-still do- a lot of friends. We've become a culture obsessed with smartphones, with technology, and having it all.   I remember in Friends when Chandler, Joey, and Ross realise they are getting older when they go out to a club and finds the music too loud and just want a hot drink at the end of the night.   I feel like that sometimes. I went out last night, to a Metal Night at T...

Amanda Steel is a multi-genre author who sometimes writes under the pen name of Aleesha Black. She is also a creative writing student and the co-host of Reading in Bed, which is a monthly book review podcast. Her author website is www.amandasteelwriter.com Pebbles and boulders When she began walking Her boulder was a pebble And the mountain was a tiny hill Now the boulder gets heavier everyday The mountain becomes steeper People run by as if she's not there She trips over pebbles now If she could just make it to the top She would drop the boulder Watching it crumble And crush all the pebbles They say she made it all up in her head But the truth is, the boulder is made up Of a thousand tiny pebbles And she's overloaded One more pebble will send her Tumbling back down https://www.amandasteelwriter.com/

I had a counselling session the other day.   It was the first one for a number of weeks, for various reasons.   The NHS has really let me down   this year.   I know we are lucky to have it, but there have been huge failings by my GP surgery, and the Mental Health team.   To be frank with you, every organisation which has had a Duty of Care towards me has failed me, in one way or another. If I didn't have a superhuman inner strength, I really don't think I could have got through this. Without an amazing networks of writer friends, colleagues, friends from school and family.   I truly believe if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be here right now.   You would be reading my obituary, not my blog.   I know that may be upsetting, shocking for some to read.   But back in May I was at rock bottom.   I'd had to leave my household due to domestic abuse and was living in emergency accommodation.   I was dealing with the fallout of a relatio...

I've been thinking recently about Doctor Who.  I'm a self-confessed Sci-fi geek(I blame my Dad), and was talking to friends tonight at Storyhouse about this.  I used to be able to name all of the Drs in chronological order(girl geek party trick), I am also a huge fan of Russell T Davies, and loved his writing on both Queer as Folk- which came at the perfect Coming of Age time for me when I was exploring sexuality for the first time-realising that I was attracted to women as well as men. I also loved Cucumber which was simply stunning writing; it brought the same issues of gender, what it means to be gay/bi/LGBT into the twenty-first century with a hard hitting, at times brutal tone. One scene I still cannot get out of my head was one which -if you watched Cucumber you'll know the one I was talking about -was where a character who everyone thinks is a nice, chirpy, easy-going guy flips out and carries out a sudden and fatal act of violence.  It still haunts me now...

Reading and following Katy’s blog recently on a regular basis has been a reminder what good can really come out of things when things really hit rock bottom. Certainly in my case reading it brought back memories of my first major dealings with mental health all the way back when I was 21. Back then in my case, I was working for a public relations department for a then well known mail order firm just outside the centre of Manchester. I had got placed there on a Youth Training Scheme when I was 18 against my best wishes (I’ve no interest in Public Relations I can clearly remember saying at the time) and had got on okay I guess with the two people I worked with when I first went there. However, that changed when I got to 20 and both of them left within two weeks of each other. After they both left I ended up working alongside a whole team of people I didn’t really know and without realising at the time because of my youth got bullied out of that role as my face didn’t fit with al...

Hello. It's Me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet? There's one problem. I don't feel safe at the moment. Nowhere is a safe space.   The places I used to found sanctuary, I now find scary.   I'm constantly anxious and fearful. Because he's still out there. Living his life. Getting on with things. Well I can't move on until I feel safe.  There is a lot of help out there.  I'm using the help.  I'm accepting it now,  That's been the part of this whole process I've found the hardest. I have always prided myself on being independent, self-sufficient, and not needing other people. Because forgiveness and acceptance are not the same thing.  I forgave my ex-boyfriend the moment I walked out of the door.  I looked him in the eye, and I said to him, 'you are a domestic abuser, and you will never be able to live with what you have done, until you have accepted it.'  Forgiveness was surprisi...

Very brief post(hopefully.)  Yesterday brought a new month and coming soon the start of a new season -autumn in the UK. My cousin Magnificent M, and her fella P, live in New Zealand.  They are desperate for me to move out there. I am extremely tempted, with my qualifications and work experience I should score really highly on the skilled Migrant list.  Just gotta save some dollars first, I'm thinking like two years time?  It's a pipe dream anyway. But enough about me, how are you doing?  Currently sat in the gym cafe eating Overnight Oats after an Abs Blast class.  Compare to a year ago I was probably cooking a Roast and munching on Percy Pigs -what kind of monster have I become?! In all seriousness, I never would have guessed a year ago I would no longer be with my ex-boyfriend, that he would break up with me in the middle of the night when I was having an asthma attack, that I would have to leave the household due to three incidents of domestic ...